Bear Peen

All I have is this blog. I have to get this out. I have to feel like I’m talking to someone or something. I have no one. No one knows the real me. I don’t open up to anyone, I never have. I’ve always been closed off. I was depressed for years, lost, bottling everything up. No one to talk to. To vent. I kept it all in and it ate at me for years. Until I met her. She listened. Cared for me, first. The only one to actually get to know the real me. Morgan. The only one to love me for me, now, she doesn’t even want me. I feel so worthless and rejected. Thrown away. How close I was to suicide before I met her. I just was tired of feeling the same emptiness, no connections to anything real. She ended all of that. She saved me.

I don’t want her for her beauty. I want her because she saw me, saved me, knows me. She’s the only person in the entire world that ACTUALLY knows ME. Loved me FOR me. When I’m with her there is never an awkward moment. No other place I’d rather be than in her company. My best friend. LITERALLY my ONLY friend. It was always pure love for me, I never loved her for anything superficial or for the wrong reasons. I always just loved her for her. She was the sweet girl that listened and talked with me all night. Made me feel special. I’ll never find another girl like her, there isn’t one. Not one that cares like she does. That listens. 

I learned this past week was a test. Not a very fair one if you ask me. She told me it was a break. I blame the both of us for the lack of an actual ‘break’. No real rules or perimeters were set. She would share, skype, text, and call basically like normal. How was I supposed to know what I could and couldn’t do. I was confused. I wanted to give her real space. Even when she told me last night she wanted to see me, I was afraid it was a test in itself. I wanted to listen and give her what she asked for. Not be selfish. I didn’t mean to cross any lines. I just wanted to think.

This fake break wasn’t going to help anything, so I don’t know why she puts so much stock into it. We both knew it wasn’t a real break. The whole point was because I smothered her. She needs a real break. No communication. I know she needs to clear her head. So do I. No one is making clear concise decisions right now. It’s been hell for the both of us. It’s so much easier for me to just give her 100% silence. What we were doing before wasn’t a break, it was destined to fail. It just confused me. 

She opened my world. For 20years I felt dead inside. She gave me life. Purpose. She opened me to cuddling, hugging, kissing, intimacy, sex, fantasies. Nothing could take her place. What I’d give to have one more happy day with her. One more bowl ride. Watch her put away a return at my job. So many little things that make me want to curl into a ball and cry. Just to have her in my world again. 

I know you’re supposed to mask your love a little. Don’t scare the other person away. I know it’s pathetic to make her my world. I know she wants to feel loved but not obsessed with. But before her I had nothing. She was the only bright spot in my day. Reading those emails. I obsessed over it. I wanted to be happy like that all the time. I love her for that. I’ve always been an honest person. I never wanted to lie to myself or her. I’m head over heals. Everything that happens between us I swear I learn and I see things differently after. I’m just still learning. I had 20 years off, I’m still playing catch up. While other kids were enjoying girls in middle school and high school, I was off to the side, dreaming of having my own soul mate. I’ve always wanted a wife. I’ve always looked for my life partner. Not just a girl to fuck.  I found everything in her, and then some. 

In my heart I feel if I leave her 100% alone that maybe all of the stuff that doesn’t matter will wash away and the stuff that does will come to the foreground. She’ll remember why she fell in love so deep. She’ll remember how I can change her mood like Kevin Spacey. That we are best friends and can talk about literally anything. That I have always loved her for Hailey and nothing else. That I respect her. That I’m the one she can trust and count on the most in this world. Which is full of assholes and people WE HATE. We hated everyone. I’m the one who will kiss her head and tell her everything will be okay. Give her dancing people. And maybe she’ll feel how she has made me feel. Because I’ll never forget. Until then, I won’t put on a fake smile. I’d rather feel what she has done to me, it’s all I have left of her. I have to let her go. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how cliche it is. If it’s meant to be she’ll come back. Until that fate is determined I’m a broken boy.

you’re my steven. i’m sorry i get dramatic with you. you’re my first kiss, my first love, the one i lost my virginity to. when i see we are in trouble i panic. i see my world going out of the window. and in that panic i act like an idiot. i’m sorry. i’m still learning, i’ve never been in love before. but you have shown me things i never could have found on my own. and i just don’t want that to end. not just the knowledge or experiences, but the part of it that contains you. i don’t was us to end. i’m so twisted up inside. i’m sorry i asked questions, its hard to not think i can when this break hasn’t even really been a break. you need your space. and so do i. i just hope you love me in the end, and still want us. so take your time. take your space. just please don’t make a decision just yet. please. i love you <3

wow, i’m sorry, i get it now. i just have to give you your space. my fault. sorry for irritating you. please call.

the little red fox and charlie the kitten snuggling; long tails intertwining

i love telling her bed time stories <3

3am just finished my podcast, Final Project for my class, yay!

oktokyo:

every single one counts. i need 180+ stamps, and i can’t afford to spend $90 in postage. every single stamp helps, and this would mean the world to me. i know you all have a roll laying around somewhere. send 2 or 3 at a time. send these to:
 
Hailey Rosen
BU BOX 07330
PO Box 6020
Binghamton, NY 13902

so… yeah. you do this and i will do any favor for you that i can. anything that is humanly possible for me to do will be done for you. please help me.

I just want to thank my girlfriend, yesterday I had the best day with her in a long time. It makes me remember why I fell so deep, I know she won’t let me drown. I will keep the details to myself, but it was everything, from the photoshoot to the ride. I love her, so much. Thank you, I won’t forget.